I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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