if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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