Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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