The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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