im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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