This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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