I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
