Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
