I hate your face
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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