those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
