and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
