textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
