Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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