tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
