It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
