I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
