I think I am morally bankrupt
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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