Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
