I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
