Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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