remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
NoShamevember. You game?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
