My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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