She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
