i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
