I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
