I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
