Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
