I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
