I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
