Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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