They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
