i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
