if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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