My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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