He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
