my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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