Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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