so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
