plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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