she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize