My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
