I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
