you would pick up someone in the library
where does the pee come out of this thing
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
