My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
