he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
