Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
