JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
