I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
