I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize