I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
