some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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