the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
