Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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