All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
