I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
