remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
