i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he quoted the bible to break up with me
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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