I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
